Saturday, April 2, 2011

Post Twenty Two: ok, a few things I forgot to mention

How to kill a cockroach family:

Step 1. Locate cockroaches. This will happen purely by intuition. Similar to suddenly getting the feeling that there are raccoons by your picnic table, you will allof a sudden get the urge to look to your left to the corner, or to go over by your sink not knowing why with goosebumps prickling your neck. You will then spot a cockroach parent on your wall, or cockroach child on your floor respectively. 

Step 2. Choose weapon. Find something that you do not care if it becomes either broken or smattered in cockroach. (cups from the dining halls that you have no respect for are perfect).

Step 3. Calmly and firmly grasp weapon and slowly lower towards cockroach. No fast movements, they will notice and subsequently skitter out of sight causing significant distress to your person as you will now have no idea where they have gone to.

Step 4. Once weapon is sufficiently close, quickly finish the blow and squish roach thoroughly making sure that it is separated into at least two halves. Otherwise it will continue to live. If either of the halves are still moving, repeat step 3 and 4 until no movement is detectable and roach is in a number of pieces.

Step 5. Leave in conspicuous spot for the cleaning crew to discover. Perhaps they will realize that there is a problem. Or. if this is impossible because the roach is in a traffic area and you will forget that the roach is there and will inevitably step on it, use utensil (again, dining hall materials such as knives work well) to pick up roach and place in trash.

Step 6. Hope and pray that you have now killed mom and child and not dad and child. if you have succeeded in killing the mother, then any subsequent children will not exist. If you have only killed the dad and child then you have only cut of the head of a hydra, as the cockroaches will continue to multiply. If this second is the case. Repeat steps 1-5 until problem is no more.

Step 4

Step 3

Ideal results of Step 4. (thumb included to provide scale)

second thing one must know. they PAY you to take psych studies here! no candy involved you get CASH MONEY!

third. the concept of the icecube is utterly foreign to the Australian. Thus, so too is the idea of cold beverages.

lastly, 'all you can eat' dining service is a lie at DLC. it is not 'all you can eat' it is instead 'limited first servings, only allowed one option of the three given, served conservatively by staff, then no seconds allowed until 10 minutes before closing (if there is any left at this point) to make sure we actually have enough for everyone because we don't plan well and often run out of food by the end even with our restrictive first servings'. So show up early to make sure you actually get food, and if you want seconds, bring a sweatshirt or something so you can go in with a different shirt on, sometimes they will not recognize you and will give you seconds thinking they are your firsts.

Anything I left out? oh yeah. make SURE you check your apple before EACH bite. otherwise you may end up finding you have just eaten half of a black spot or worse...

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